Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Stace's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, December 8th, 2009
11:51 pm	Living... Scattered thoughts after an emotional few days and seeing "Everybody's Fine": Mind is racing. Tears flow down my face now in happiness and pain when I reflect upon what I have, and what I am in danger of losing. Been selfish lately and thinking/acting on my desires in the moment instead of big picture needs of my friends/family. Hurt a friend so deeply that it hurts to look at myself right now. At the same time, I've brought joy to a lot of peoples' lives and been a shoulder that many friends were missing before. I listen and I talk. I can be moody and seem thoughtless but I never stop caring. Even when my anger consumes me, my love for others pulls me back quicker than it used to. I want to live vividly. I want to embrace life's challenges and forgive people without words or stipulations. "I'll try..." needs to suffice. I want to love my family, friends, and future S/O unconditionally. Let go of trivial things. Make time for just me (whether or not I believe I need it). Do activities that make me feel fulfilled and that I'm making a difference in the world, no matter how small. I want to feel pain, love, heartache, depression, elation, anger, etc. Sleep more. Exercise more. Less sugar and less caffeine that mess with my emotions and stimulate me while setting me up for a crash. Need to stop crying myself to sleep and remind myself that without the rain we could never truly appreciate the beauty of a rainbow when the sun finally comes back. ---------------------- Also, this time of year is one that is sacred to me. A time where I can reconnect with traditions of my childhood, that people who are no longer on this earth started. I look at my Christmas tree in my own house and know my grandmothers are looking down on me and smiling. I sing the same carols that I used to perform in choir that brought tears to my mother's eyes I shop for Christmas presents remembering the gift that made my father (as talkative as he is) speechless. I will not let anyone else's views on the holidays change what they have always meant to me. For me, it has always been the memories and traditions, not the commercialism, that define *my* season. It is the spirit of Christmas that I try to carry around in my Vonderheart all year long. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 23rd, 2009
9:51 pm	Oh Computerssss!! My new Macbook is opening up my eyes to a whole new world of computersss that I never knew existed! This has been a techie kind of year for me. First, Google Calendar rocks my world. Then my Palm Pre comes into my life and makes my more organized life portable. And then, my Macbook makes everything work together. Holy shit. Blows my mind!! (Comment on this)
Monday, November 9th, 2009
10:57 pm	Seeing yourself through the eyes of others... As much as I agree that relying on others' opinions is no way to have SELF-esteem, sometimes it is interesting to catch a glimpse at what others think of you. Ever since my high school graduation, I have kept cards and notes in a tin chest. It is now nearly full of well wishes, kind words and proclamations of pride. It seems so insignificant at the time--a post it, an emailed love poem, a glittery birthday card, but every single card in the chest brings back memories of people that I love. Some of the cards are from people that have passed away and are all I have left of what their handwriting looks like. People that will never be able to come to my wedding or receive trite Christmas photo cards from me. Some cards are from friends that are no longer apart of my life but no matter how bitter the end, I can look back at a birthday card from when we were friends. I can accept that people change and relationships change. Maybe we aren't always going to be a part of each others' lives, but I want to spend the time that I have with people, no matter how short, being myself. And being myself involves writing sappy, touchy feely letters telling them what they mean to me. But one of the best things about cards/letters is that people can really open up. Without the awkwardness of being face to face, people are more honest about how they view you. It is interesting to read. I am a critical person. I see myself as intelligent, but never smart enough. A good person, but never anyone's favorite. Reading these cards and letters especially touches my heart when I see a common theme and the same adjectives used over and over. Kind. Loving. Caring. Above any other words, these are what my family and friends use to describe me. I am not too proud to admit the following: 1. Tears came to eyes as I reread the cards and letters of my past. 2. I've once again recommitted to heeding my father's advice of "don't waste the amazing love you have to offer on people who can't return it". 3. There are going to be only a few Christmas cards that I give out this year. But they will be cards that touch the hearts of my friends and family and keep them warm throughout the years. My next door neighbor died yesterday, and I came across a card he wrote me when I graduated high school. I know I am not going to live forever, and I want to know that I lived and I loved as hard as I could. ....And I am now ready to welcome in the holiday season!! :) Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 1st, 2009
10:29 pm	Settling the F down... Don't yet know if it's possible. I have a tendency to want to go, go, go all the time. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to sleep because then I could have 24hrs of productivity. Exposed some weakness by getting sick--but I plan on getting at least 2-3 nights of 9 or 10 hrs of sleep and having a lot of vitamin C to jumpstart my system. Freaking fever better leave my body before I kick it's ass. Had a discussion with my parents re: getting older. They seem to think the idea of me buying/renting to own a house is ludicrous. Because who knows where I'll be in two years? My mom is convinced I'll be married or on my way to the altar and my dad just thinks that I could never take care of a house by myself since I am a girl. Whatever. I am not even dating right now (on purpose) in order to figure my life out. I am having waaay too much fun making friends, strengthening existing friendships, moving back to Minneapolis, getting a new job, planning a vacation, writing a book, planning parties, etc to even think about making a conscious effort to date right now. If someone special comes along, great. I won't turn them away or act disinterested, but I think frequenting dating websites or going to straight bars to get set up by friends isn't the best way to utilize my time right now. Clearly, as long as I have family and friends in my life (which, with my social butterfly personality there is never a shortage of) I will never be alone. So seriously people. Chill the fuck out. Figure your shit and your life out. THEN go out and find someone to share in your fabulous life. Have a strong base of love and people behind you and dating won't seem so hurtful and frustrating. my life is slowly becoming more peaceful and I am forming myself into a better, stronger, more loving person by learning how to love myself. My standards are higher because of the people I love and the changes I have made in my life. And I don't regret it a single bit. Current Mood: peaceful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 12th, 2009
8:28 pm	Slowing *MY* world down... So, this weekend was eye-opening for me. I have been feeling like the past two years have gone by in the blink of an eye. Sure, there have been bad days that felt never-ending, but in general, it's like I just graduated yesterday. In this whole time, I feel as though the last time I really breathed and let go was when I went to Europe in summer of 2007. At times, it feels like the world is spinning around faster and faster as I grow older, and I can't find release from the stress. But then, this weekend, I had a perfect two days. I woke up in a warm bed with a good man's arms around me, and bundled up to go to the apple orchard with Remy sharing stories of our first date six years ago. Had a lovely lunch with Remy and Luciano reminding me of how happy I am that we were able to put our animosity during college aside and form a friendship during the past two years. I then came home and got a relaxing massage. Amazing! Sat on Seth's bed and realized that there are people out there that I can fully be myself around without putting up a bubbly easy-going front. We then went to the Wilde Roast and discussed a weekend getaway to Lutsen and sat in silence working on our own projects. I don't normally feel comfortable in silence, but it is nice. Went to Oktoberfest with Seth, Alex, Diana, and Brian and had an awesome time. It was loud and crowded, but I finally got a chance to reconnect with this group of friends. I haven't seen them much in the past few months and plan on making more time for them in the future. Met up with Luciano, Alfonso, and a few others at the Saloon and basked in the pink glow of the disco ball dancing until the lights came on and the club shut down. Sunday I woke up and went to brunch with some friends, and spent another afternoon surrounded in the coziness of the Wilde Roast sipping a hot coffee with cream and cinnamon. Trevor and I came home and snuggled on the couch watching Sleepy Hollow and then Seth took us all to Luciano's for a lasagna dinner. As I sat around the dinner table with old friends and new friends, being gently teased in a way that I would never let most people get away with, I realized that I could afford to slow my life down a little. To live for moments like these instead of living a week, a month, a year in the future. This weekend left me happy and refreshed in a way I haven't felt in years. And next weekend, I am going away with a dear friend to reconnect with... well, everything. We'll be in nature surrounded by the fall leaves and the calming waves of Lake Superior. I plan on bringing my watercolors and painting again (I keep saying that, but it's going to happen). Maybe I can spend my weekdays on the go and in this fast paced world, but my weekends need to start being like my vacations--easy-going and relaxing. I wish every weekend could be like this one, but I will carry this one around in my heart as a reminder to slow down and soak in the life that I am living right now. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
11:26 pm	Reminders... Ever since I can remember, my emotions have run deep. Sometimes, I find myself feeling something so much that it clouds my vision and makes it hard to put my life in perspective. I like to think that I am getting better at it, but I still have challenging moments. Especially when I am physically drained from being sick, having allergic reactions like they are going out of style and having my period drain me of my already low iron levels. Tonight was a night that I found myself forgetting the people and things in my life that make me happy. I focused too heavily on what needed to be done and what is stressing me out, which I have always found to be a bad decision. Instead, I want to focus on who and what makes me happy. Be it a little thing or a big thing, I want to write down a list of what makes me happy. Not just the one I posted on Facebook, but a running list that I keep with my mementos. A list that I can continually add to and remember in the future what as a 24 year old made me happy. That way I can stay in touch with who I am, who I was, and who I will be. When I write down what makes me happy, it is easier to identify what inhibits me from doing these things. Then I can focus on how to change the things that detract from my happiness. Biggest example right now is my job. I moved to the suburbs for my job, which inhibited my proximity to my friends. Making new friends and nourishing my relationships with existing friends is very important to me. Living in the suburbs was a problem, so I moved back to the city, which was an amazing decision. There are other aspects of my job that get in the way of being happy, so I need to take a step back and actually identify what those are. I can't just say "my job sucks, I feel stuck" because the situation is far more complex than that. I feel as though I have no sense of purpose at my job. I got my promotion. I got my raise. The opportunities to advance aren't there right now. Also, I thought by now I would be on to a new challenge in the form of a new position. But it pays my bills, which allows me to live with my friends and go dancing on the weekends. So for the time being, my solution is two-fold. First, I stay in my job and create some project to work on in order to stop from going crazy and quitting. Second, I apply for new jobs. But not just any job. I take a step back and identify what makes me happy and what job might allow me to feel happy or at least satisfied. I am not the type to sit back and be complacent. I make lists, I take action--that is who I am. I can't allow sickness, a bad economy, or even my parents to hold me back from reaching my potential to do something meaningful. So I am making an action plan--to be modified as I go along :) (1 Comment |Comment on this)
10:15 pm	Friends... What did I do to deserve such amazing people in my life? (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 30th, 2009
10:13 pm	Some days, reading old LJ entries are a little too overwhelming. In the past, my LJ posts have never seemed to run philosophical or come from an outside view. I tend to write in the midst of feeling emotions and end up deleting or making my posts private. This was not the case when I first started on livejournal. I was open with my emotions and I used LJ as a place to purge myself of emotions that I didn't feel mature enough to deal with. Throughout the years, I have often looked back and been embarrassed by the emotional shitshow that was my life. I like to think that I am smarter and more mature than I was five years ago, but before I went back and read the entire summer of 2004, I almost fell into my ex's trap again. He calls again, wanting back into my life, and I almost let him in again. In fact, if it weren't for a good friend, I would still be heading down that path. The pain that this boy (doesn't deserve to be called a man) put me through was something that I had forgotten over the years. The good memories are all Cary and I talked about and all I remembered. I remember a perfect night where we drove out to the lake and lay on the grass watching the stars. How my head seemed to fit perfectly into his shoulder and how safe his arms made me feel. I can still feel his fingers in my hair and how his lips would brush against mine softly. I remember all of his sensitive spots. All of the songs we listened to. The times when I would turn on music and drag him out of the car to dance with me on a quiet street illuminated only by headlights. I was young and free, and romance was so new I thought it would go on forever. What I forgot over the past five years was the pain that he inflicted upon me. The loss of my self-esteem when he told me that he could do better than me. The blame I felt when he told me that my history of sexual abuse as a child was my fault. The isolation when he told me which of my friends I wasn't allowed to hang out with. I lost all of my passion for MY life and lived for his. My greatest joy in life was being around him. I didn't need friends or family. I didn't need my writing or painting or acting. All of my passion was invested in him. And he played with it like a toy. I saved the most special part of myself for him and he wasted his virginity on a fling. The girl he cheated on me with that he still fucks but never says he loves. I wish I could believe that he has changed. That he really does love me. But someone can't be in love with you if they take sick joy in hurting you. Cary never wanted to love me, he is just narcissistic and lonely. And I was naive and looking for someone to love. I swam within months of learning to walk. I was always the outgoing, precocious child in my group of friends and I befriended strangers on vacation, made up stories to entertain people, and jumped into ponds and pools without looking. It is what I did with Cary. I thought I fell in love with him the first day I met him. I didn't see how deep and dangerous his pool was. And worst of all, I made up stories about being happy with him. I thought I was over him until two weeks ago. I was doing fine. I shut the door to any emotions surrounding him. I had stopped talking about him to my friends and family, and I was happy. My life is finally starting to make sense and a lot of that has to do with the fact that I had cut Cary out. But then I get a Myspace message, and I call him, and we talk and I am a scared 16 year old again standing naked in the cafeteria staring across the room at the boy who will change my life forever. I can look back and realize that I am a much stronger person for what he put me through. But the walls he made me build to keep him out have kept other people at bay too. I recently came across an old journal entry of one of my closest friend's that he wrote two years ago in the springtime. My name was on a list of people that he loved, and I simply responded with how much fun I had had hanging out with him. The depth of how much he cared about me then is similar to what I feel for him now. Two years later. It took me two years to let a person as special as him touch my heart. This is a person that I would have met 8 years ago and been myself around him from day one. But because of my ex, I get scared. I shut people out. When they reach out for me, I run away. This friend inspires me with strength to live my life more openly. He gives me hope that the person staring at me in the mirror is not as damaged as I fear. And most importantly, I have hope that I can find someone in this crazy world that will love me for who I am. Faults and all. Because I am a good person and a good friend, I can find the strength to wait for the man who won't want to change my life but be happy holding my hand and walking beside me in life. And I'll love people without reserve, and give everything I can to other people and raise children who are loving and accepting. Someday when I am old and wrinkled, I'll be sitting on my porch in a rocking chair, watching the sun set and I'll reflect on my life. Cary will be nothing but a faint memory. I will have touched others' lives. The greatest gift I can give people is my love, and I will give it away. And the love will finally be returned in the form of a husband, children, friends, and other family members. I may not be a famous author or actor, but I want people to come to my funeral and say "she loved people so deeply...what a sweet soul". I want to keep myself warm on these cold Minnesota nights by knowing I have touched other peoples' hearts. I can't let the pain of my past inhibit the love I want to share now. Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 17th, 2009
6:26 pm	It Stops Today no, no, i, i , i, i, i don't want to break when i speak i don't want to shake while i'm standing i don't want to crawl into another hole i don't know what i'm hiding for no, i,i,i,i,i don't want to fall when i stand i don't want to have to hold your hand i just want to be the girl i use to be when i was me and worry free i know these burdens are my own but i can't keep on running no i just can't keep on running away from here i know that the only way to beat it is to fight my every fear i'm not going to make it 'til i turn around and face it alone, i know that i can't keep running, no i just can't keep on running away so it stops today so here i am, i'm taking my first step thought i was losing balance but i caught myself i kind of like the challenge, no i don't need help i'm going to make it past the very start its always been the hardest part but i, i, i, i, i am gonna stay in control i must admit this crutch is getting old i am gonna throw it out of my hand i'm finally here, i understand i know i'll get there on my own so i can't keep on running no i just can't keep on running away from here i know that the only way to beat it is fighting my every fear i'm not going to make it 'til i turn around and face it alone, i know that i can't keep running, no i just can't keep on running away so it stops today you can hide from all the pain but it will find you anyway yes, i know, now i know that i can't keep on running no i just can't keep on running away from here i know that the only way to be is fighting my every fear i'm not going to make it til i turn around and face it alone, i know that i can't keep running, no i just can't keep on running away so it stops today Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: It Stops Today -- Colbie Caillat (Comment on this)
Friday, September 4th, 2009
12:26 pm	Happiness In life, some days are better than others, but I have come to realize that I am truly happy. There are areas of my life that I seek improvement in, and other areas that are still just a hot mess, but overall, I have more happy days than sad. When I am alone in my room at night ready to fall asleep, I think about how the days just keep getting better and I feel lucky to have the people in my life that I do. I believe in self-reliance, and I do agree that nothing can bring you peace but the triumph of principles. But I think Emerson had it wrong. Self-reliance can only come to light when in the presence and comparison of others. When you recognize in others things you may have overlooked within yourself. I have strong morals and principles, even if the conviction of them is known only to myself. I wake up each morning wanting to make my small part of the world a better place because of the peace I seek within my soul. I want to share that with others and have them share their peace with me. Transcendentalism is a fascinating movement, but I feel as though they overlook the interconnectedness of the universe they strive to separate themselves from. I want to live in the moment more. I want to live my life for the joy it can bring to myself and to others. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 18th, 2009
4:03 pm	And the cure to my quarterlife crisis is... Dancing! I shit you not, all of this dancing I have been doing on the weekends/around my house all of the time has really helped improve that blah feeling of reaching my mid-twenties. I have to thank my partner in crime, who has served as a wonderful reminder that getting older is merely a state of mind. Maybe we can't drink people under the table like we could when were 20, but I also coudln't keep the beat with my hips back then either. I think everyone is searching for something that will connect them with the person they were when they were still a child. Me? I used to go dancing at Woody's (a club for 7th and 8th graders at my middle school) every Friday night. Granted, it was mostly strobe lights and "Jock Jams" playing in the background, but we still got down. I was a ballet dancer for about three years of my life, but I still remember how excited I would get when it was jazz time and a fast song would come on. Every day, I still miss being on stage, but dancing on the boxes at the Saloon reminds me of it. I sometimes feel self-conscious, which booze helps, but I am really enjoying dancing on the weekends with or without the alcohol. I am lucky enough to have a friend that will be right up there with me on the box, dancing and sweating until they kick us the fuck out at 3am. I am feeling more confident in my own body and what it is capable. I may not be able to grind all the way to floor, but I can make my hips move like no other. I feel like I have taken back a part of my childhood that was lost by my own self. I have missed being genuinely happy, and I get that on the dancefloor. For a few precious hours, the week's stresses melt away. The beat pounds into my brain and I feel my body itching to move, shake and jump. My pores open and the sweat of a good workout tries to cool me down. A fire burns inside me to perform even if it is just for myself, and for $5 cover I get a great workout. My body drop down toward the floor and I know the familiar soreness will greet me when I wake up, but I don't care. In that moment, my world is full of light, music, and happiness and I am perfect in it. Current Mood: happy Current Music: Evacuate the Dancefloor (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 16th, 2009
10:59 pm	24! So usually these birthday entries that I make end up either super reflective or me disappointed with how little progress I have made in the previous year, so this year's is going to be different. I feel blessed to have such amazing people in my life. I remember at dinner with the lights low, a single candle lit and feeling enveloped in love as some of my closest friends sang Happy Birthday. Some cute little Asian girl was banging a gong, and I couldn't keep the smile off my face or the tear out of my eye. It was one of the moments that I feel remember and will touch my heart for years to come. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 9th, 2009
11:36 pm	Lyrics... Stop ignoring me Can’t you see it hurts? If you think that saying you don’t And giving me a hug I’ll forgive you You’re wrong Don’t say it’s not true Because it is You just pretend I’m not there Why do you do that? Can’t you see it hurts me? Unbreak my heart And everything will be alright It will be hard But maybe you can (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 27th, 2009
11:10 pm	This week I feel ashamed to be straight. It is a sad day when you realize that your friends living in CA can't legally join their lives together in marriage. It feels almost as bad to realize that every time you talk about getting married you are rubbing it in the faces of people who can't experience that. No matter what religion I am (if any) or what state I live in, my union would be legally recognized. Unquestionably recognized. I'll be able to enjoy spousal benefits, and if I live in a community property state like Wisconsin, own half of my husband's assets. I'll be able to have a big wedding that people are expected to buy gifts for, and someday down the line, collect alimony if I find myself divorced. I'll never sit outside in a waiting room while my husband is suffering or bring documentation with me to make decisions on his health. The band around my left ring finger is the only proof that hospital will need. According to the state of California, I have the right to marry whomever I choose, whenever I choose, wherever I choose. All because I was born straight? Because by the luck of the draw I happened to be a female who loves males? I am ashamed that I am set apart from my friends by an issue this ludicrous. I really, for the life of me, cannot understand why the straight community, "my" community, would allow this to happen. These are people who know what it is liketo love someone and love out in the open. People who can't imagine what it would be like to have to tell their kids they aren't legally married and don't have the same last name. It makes bile rise up in the back of my throat to think that there are people out there that could look my friends in the eyes and say "fuck you faggot--marriage is between a man and a woman only" without feeling any kind of remorse. But for those of you who have been losing hope in allies, please don't. We are still here and we are still fighting. I don't care if people think I am some radical liberal for wanting equal rights--I will scream for gay marriage at the top of my lungs if that is what I need to do for people to listen. I am sick of people telling me this isn't my fight when it clearly is. You would do the same for me. This community accepted me when the straight community shunned me for being overweight, too artsy, too dramatic, and emotional. I found a home with all of you, and I will fight like hell until my community accepts you the way that you have accepted me. Current Mood: determined (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 13th, 2008
9:33 pm	So I haven't posted in awhile, but... I just needed to throw out to the electronic world that marriage and having babies is now on my mind like a ticking clock. I just found out on Friday that my ex fiance is getting married to the whore that he cheated on me with and wants me to be in the wedding. She has a child from another relationship. Apparently, I am supposed to understand, because she is the love of his life, and I was just a mistake. I mean, come on, didn't I see how people looked at us when we went out together? Well, I have lost 40lbs officially and I am slowly chiseling a real body to match my attitude I have always had. But now, the idea of getting married (with two friends having weddings this year) is starting to get to me. For as sex and career focused as I am, I am starting to realize that it would be nice to have one person to come home to every night, and my ovaries are starting to tell me that getting pregnant wouldn't be so bad soon. Obviously, marriage first, but I am starting to be able to see myself in the light of being someone's mother. Which is weird, I may need a couple of years to adjust to that feeling. I don't know what is going on with these hormones! I am not on birth control or any kind of pills, it is like my single girl body is rebelling to a wanting-to-not-be-single-anymore body. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
7:07 pm	Quarterlife Crisis I wouldn't exactly classify myself as having a quarterlife crisis, I just think my life is so completely different than this time last year. I used to be in the center of college life. I had different groups of friends, many extracurriculars, classmates, professors that I kept in touch with, and life was great. I got to break out of my hometown bubble and explore what I thought real life was like. Bars, parties, late night conversations over Chinese food, heartache, bad grades, cramming for mid-terms, etc. For some silly reason, I thought this was real life. Then, I got out into the Real World and realized that college life hardly draws any parallels to the life I have been living for 4 years. I am now in bed by 10 at the latest. I wake up at ungodly hours and would never dream of just giving up and sleeping through something. I never come to work late or leave early, and I eat a well-balanced diet most of the time. My days have so much structure I can barely stand it sometimes. Everyday, I sit at my desk and chat with the same 4 people for the majority of the day in my row, and visit everyone else during breaks. I find myself joining Kiwanis with 50 year old men in order to give back to the community, and hardly ever find myself in homosexual company anymore. Everyone else is settled down with someone at work, and I find myself moving on from an impressive string of lovers into the single world and looking for love. My standards are infinitely higher than the last time I was looking for it, and I have finally decided not to settle for less. Being the youngest in many of my social circles through the years, I didn't expect so many people to still be in school, and it is hard to coordinate school schedules and my after-work time. Gone are the days of chatting until 6am in a parking lot with your best friend spur of the moment, and suddenly you are planning dinner rendezvous' at least a month in advance. I supposed deep down it was wishful thinking to assume that it would only take me a month or two to acclimate myself to this new lifestyle, but I got a taste of what it used to be like over my 4 day weekend, and I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the spontaneity of it all. I miss having a social life. I miss not having to religiously write down every activity in my life in a daily planner. I miss being young and crazy. In fact, I think I may have done TOO good of a job adapting to my surroundings, because honestly, I feel like a 30 year old workaholic male. I need to reclaim my wild 22 year old self, and somehow strike a balance between who I am at work and who I am with friends, but I have been finding it extremely hard to do so lately. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 26th, 2007
5:56 pm	I'm getting really sick of this... I am getting extremely pissed off at certain people right now. I guess it really does take putting yourself in a totally different environment to realize who your true friends are. Yeah, I've been busy. Yeah, I've had work and the LSAT and barely have had any time to socialize, but I have always made the best effort that I could. I went out on Friday nights with people knowing full well that I had a practice LSAT the next morning. I have stayed up late with people comforting them only to get a "things are fine now" and a tardy for showing up late to work. I know I am not in college anymore, and I know I am no longer a convenient friend to see around campus and mention hanging out on the weekend to spur of the moment. But I have been trying to keep my friendships running, and to be honest, it doesn't feel reciprocal with most of my "friends" right now. I am sick of calling people that are always "too busy" who will go to other parties, but not ones that I set up. Who will call me only to bitch about significant others or lack thereof. Well you know what, I am busy too. Probably busier than I have ever been before, but I try to make the time. And I am lonely too. I hardly have any friends right now. I come home to an empty apartment. I go to work every day and see people who are friends, but not the kind to confide in yet. I guess I was naive to think that friendships would continue if I just worked hard enough at them. I thought maybe someone would genuinely care about my job, or how I am doing, or my fear of the LSAT, or even just relate to how lonely I feel. But I keep getting brushed off with a "guess what is happening to MEEEEEE". And for as much as I have sat through other people telling me their problems and their anxieties, I guess I was just looking for a little of that back in return. I guess that is too much to ask for. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 11th, 2007
11:48 pm	Best Article EVER! The Fag-Hag Emancipation Act of 2006 The First Thing We're Banning Is the Term "Fag Hag." The Next Thing to Go Is That Gay Ex-Nazi Trucker in My Living Room. By Cienna Madrid As a chick with a few gay friends, I'm often labeled a fag hag. Every time it happens—at a gay bar or in the company of friends—I fantasize about saving my shit in a duffel bag until I can lovingly deposit a small mountain on the offender's bed pillow. So what if the majority of my closest friends are gay? We all enjoy dancing, theater, and fucking men, and in these shared hobbies the seeds of friendship are sewn. To my gay friends who attach this label to me "affectionately" I'd like to say this: No term that ends in "hag" is flattering. Nor can it be called an endearment. I don't "affectionately" label my gay friends in the most unflattering possible ways. It seems unfair that I'm stuck with "fag hag" but my gay friends aren't stuck with "chubby co-dependent" or "self-mutilated anorexic pillow biter" or "sexually promiscuous child." "Fag hag" is a short way of saying, "This is my homely female sidekick. You can ignore her unless you want a free drink, and feel free to lightly tap her in the ovaries with your foot if she gets too needy." Attention, gay men: Life is not one big gay parade, in which I and all the other fag hags are content to sit on the sidelines cheering. We do not wait breathlessly for the occasional queen on a float to stop dry humping something male long enough to toss us a wave or a Tootsie Roll. This is why, when I hear gay men joke about My People, I have the urge to whip out my duffel bag and shake it threateningly. Aside from being horribly offensive, "fag hag" does not begin to describe the intricate and loving relationship between a heterosexual woman and her gay male friends. Who else would ditch her very handsome date to bring your drunken ass home from a bar, or spit on the sidewalk every time she passes some guy you made out with three years ago who then neglected to call you, or tell your snoopy relatives that the gay porn they find in your house is really hers? This is why I would like to see the gays spearhead an initiative to officially abolish "fag hag" for the more apt and respectable term "gay nanny." After all, isn't that what we do? In America you're innocent until proven gay, and that's how you were raised, honey. Most teenage boys aren't instructed by their mothers or in sex ed (if we still have sex ed) on the social mores of dating and fucking other boys. Until you tell them otherwise, your family—everyone—assumes you will grow up to fuck women. So it isn't your mom or sister who coaches you through your first date with a man; it's your gay nanny. We become transitional maternal figures. We impart wisdom handed down to us from our mothers concerning the evil ways of horn-dog males. We're with you when you first ask a guy for his number, or purchase your first lipstick if you're into that sort of thing. And "fag hag" is how you've chosen to label and repay us? In addition to the initiative to scrap the term "fag hag," I would like to see another initiative filed: The Gay Nannies' Rights and Benefits Act of 2006. It's past time that our rights were enumerated and protected. At the top of our list of demands is a 40-hour work week. Your gay nanny cannot always be on call for you. Like when you're drunk and being publicly belligerent, and your gay nanny gets a message from a Concerned Friend (who isn't concerned or friendly enough to get you to stop racing traffic in the streets himself—just concerned enough to wake your gay nanny at 2:00 a.m.) to fetch your drunken butt. Or the time your painfully sober gay nanny spent her Friday night scooping vomit out of your bathroom sink with her hands before putting you in your pajamas and tucking you into bed. And then when you drunkenly insisted that she sleep with you because you couldn't "stand to be alone anymore" (you melodramatic ass), she endured a sleepless night on the pillow next to yours, well within range of your rancid alcohol puke breath, and daydreamed of a 40-hour work week. We also deserve paid overtime. Your gay nanny will reschedule two weeks of her vacation in Mexico so that you can lounge around Mexico City in the beefy arms of your new Mexican boyfriend. When you are happy, your gay nanny is happy. But the trouble begins when your Mexican boyfriend neglects to get his shit together and acquire a visa in time to visit you during his Christmas vacation, and you beg your gay nanny to drop everything and solve this problem for you. When your gay nanny perjures herself by writing to the Mexican consulate and saying she has leukemia and her dying wish is that her "boyfriend" pay her a visit, because emergency visas to the United States are awarded if a significant other is suffering from a terminal disease and the Mexican consulate won't recognize your homo love—when that happens, and she does all of that for you, she fucking deserves overtime pay. Oh, and when you leave your gay nanny waiting alone on her birthday in her favorite restaurant while you play tennis with some "bonorific" straight dude, she deserves overtime plus punitive damages for mental anguish. (And no, we will never forgive you for that.) You know what else would be nice? Health insurance. For instance, when you fall in love with a homeless gay trucker you met online, and after one date that homeless gay trucker has a home! It's with you and your gay nanny! And in the morning your poor gay nanny has to wade through dirty gay trucker underwear in your living room! Your gay nanny will try to be open-minded and understanding—who is she to judge what you choose to insert into your asshole?—but homeless gay truckers are not notoriously clean creatures, and health insurance would be comforting. Paid vacation time also becomes a necessity when your formerly homeless gay trucker boyfriend explains that he converted to Judaism because he believes Yahweh has a special plan for him. You see, after World War II, formerly homeless gay trucker explains, Yahweh started reincarnating the souls of Holocaust victims and Nazis to help "reclaim the balance between good and evil." It turns out that your gay trucker boyfriend is one such reincarnation. Guess what? He's a former Nazi turned freaky New-Age Jew! Also, he cheats at the board game Risk! Who over the age of 14 cheats at Risk? Reincarnated Nazis, that's who. Goddamned gay Nazis living in your gay nanny's house. When the fuck did that become okay? You owe her a paid vacation—someplace far, far from you and your gay ex-Nazi trucker boyfriend. These are only a few examples of the sacrifices we have made for the sake of your continued happiness. The least you can do is honor us with a more dignified job title and the benefits to which we're entitled. We are heroes. We are martyrs. We are gay nannies, not fag hags. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 3rd, 2007
9:23 pm	I am not going to cry and I am not going to be upset. It was just sex, and not really great sex recently--I have no right to be jealous or upset. I am much tougher than this. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 2nd, 2007
11:46 pm	So in about 10 days, I will officially no longer be a student at the University of Minnesota. As happy as I am about this fact, it is weird going to work and calling alumni knowing that in less than two weeks, I will be an alumna myself...I need to buy a new sticker for my car. (1 Comment |Comment on this)